I have lost notion of time, I came here at 7pm and I have cycled around the park for a few hours.
It is so dark and silent that I imagine it’s well past 11 o’clock.
There isn’t a single soul around, just me and the deep darkness of the forest.
I should be afraid of being attacked by a stranger, I should be afraid of catching a cold
in this miserable freezing rain, or maybe I should be afraid of running into a herd of deer
and colliding with them. In my attempts to avoid them, I would probably swerve and fall
onto the mud. What if something bad happens to me tonight? Would it matter anyway?
Not to me, all I care right now is to listen to ‘Dig’ again and again on my MP3,
and continue cycling around in circles. In my own selfish way, I forget that there are
people waiting at home for me, worrying, wondering where I am. I can’t think straight,
my mind is foggy, my hands ache from holding the bicycle handles, the cold air
hurts my lungs but I feel no pain. I’m numb from within, numb from without.
Have I stopped crying? It’s hard to tell with this rain. I must have been
crying for hours for I don’t know when the rain started to fall on my face.
It has been wet for a long time, as well as my hair and all my clothes.
Torrential winter rain has no mercy when it falls on warm blooded animals.
But there isn’t anyone around to suffer the cruelty of the March rain
with me tonight. The rabbits have long gone, they are safe in their burrows.
Just me, and the sound of the silence. Me, and the saltiness of my tears,
me, and the chill of my bones. Can’t see the stars tonight, that is a good
thing, really. I don’t want to read their writing on the sky. The only
witnesses of what once was. Happy Birthday tomorrow!